Is that Grammy as in Grandma?

February 11th, 2008 · No Comments

What the hell was up with the Grammys last night? I missed the first 45 minutes watching a movie, but got to see the rest of it. I understand it was the 50th anniversary, but is it really necessary to trot out near-corpses who can no longer perform to authenticate how important the music industry is? Have we finally reached a point where each genre needs their own awards show, much like the CMA’s? Does anyone really want to see an 81-year old Andy Williams being led around by attractive women as if they are orderlies at the retirement village, or a 70-something Keely Smith ask “aren’t we supposed to introduce them?” after the introductions just occurred, or an arthritic Tina Turner looking like she’s being tasered just to see if the White Stripes can steal the alternative music Grammy from the much more deserving Arcade Fire? Do we have to endure Kanye thinking his dead mama is important enough to hold up the proceedings? And the pairings! Kid Rock with Keely Smith. Why not just stab me in the eyes and ears with forks instead? And how ’bout the legitimately talented John Legend being relegated to back-up for the hot but near talentless Fergie? And someone tell me if Alicia Keys was trying to look like an oompa-loompa. Was there a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory theme introduction earlier in the show that I missed? Let’s not forget the seemingly endless gospel show, made more tedious by the gratingly up-beat Israel telling the crowd to “wave your hands like this” and then “now sing ‘Praise Him.’” Did this just turn into a worship service? And are you really trying to get the crowd of mostly pagans to do an impromptu hallel for the Big Guy? And someone please tell Bruce Springsteen that he actually died five years ago, but before you do, tell John Fogerty that if he has one more surgery on his face, his skin will officially become translucent. And poor Aretha. Honey, are they paying you in trips to the buffet these days? She’s got so much fat around her neck now that her vocal chords are incapable of producing anything but a keening warble.

To be fair, Amy Winehouse was awesome, and good for her. I was happy just to see Wilco mentioned. Feist did a very good job, but someone needs to tell these people that she’s not really a new artist. Do you have to have a major label release to qualify as “new artist?” I’m not convinced that Kanye isn’t just fucking with us. Every time someone made a dig at him (Ludacris, Vince Gil), he took it with good humor. That seems to say he’s less of an egomaniac than he appears to be, but he’s smart enough and talented enough to fool us all, so who knows. That’s it for fair. Pretty much everything else sucked. Perhaps the worst Grammys I’ve ever seen. Thank God the writers’ strike is almost over. Nelly Furtado let slip how dependent these people are on the writers when she said, “We’ll be sure that she (Amy Winehouse) gets her Grammy.” Uh, thanks, Nelly. I always thought that they had to be present to win…