Cutting Crime

January 25th, 2008 · No Comments

Today’s newspaper makes depressing reading. The country is indeed in a parlous state. The crime rate is on the upsurge and shows no sign of decreasing. Even formerly peaceful rural areas are now suffering the scourge of armed robberies, ram-raiders, muggings, assault, rapes, and murder. What is to be done?

Many people (Muslims, especially) advocate the introduction of a form of Islamic justice, as practiced in Saudi Arabia and Iran. Here, various offending appendages are cut off the convicted criminals. Not only does this act as a deterrent, it also renders the miscreant physically incapable of pursuing his nefarious activities. But while this system is undoubtedly efficacious, it does tend to put the stress on punishment rather than reward. I feel the latter is a greater inducement to true righteousness. Accordingly, I propose steps which would help turn the moral tide.

In my opinion, instead of removing appendages from people who commit crimes, we should gradually add them to those who don’t. In order to bring this about, the human fetus should be genetically engineered such that it’s born as a kit of parts. In other words, the torso and head would emerge from the womb separately from the arms, legs, ears, and genitals. These would then be taken away, stored in a safe place, and allowed to grow independently of the main body. In the meantime, to allow mobility, the midwife should connect the torso to a large spring. Thus the child - a truly “bouncing babe” - would be able to hop from place to place.

Over the years, as his education progressed, the infant would be examined on matters moral and social. The reward for passing these tests would be a body part. Accordingly, a child who demonstrated true goodness and responsibility at age three would get a set of ears. Age five, a nose. Seven, a couple of arms. At age ten, two hands. And so on.

Eventually, on his fifteenth birthday, the child would have everything but legs and genitals. He would only receive these, however, after passing an exhaustive examination, equivalent to A Level standard. Those who exhibited any sense of moral waywardness would thus be left incomplete, stuck on their springs. Only the truly virtuous would get a complete set of bodyparts.

If my idea were to be implemented, it would be easy to identify the criminal classes, even from a distance. We’d simply avoid areas that went “poing!” in the night.

Poing!
Poing!