Another Wednesday, another evening with the largest dolphin-fearer on the planet, Ms. Tyra Banks. What sort of misery will she cook up this week for these girls who simply want a shot at her old job but realistically have a better chance at marrying a Brady or, even worse, a Partridge? If you guessed sexualizing a gardening implement and covering the girls in trash, you’d be right. And I’d want you to pick my lottery numbers.

When Tyson Beckford bites your mango, it’s best to keep it to yourself.

After the last judging panel, Ebony’s ego is bruised. Back in the Top Model house, she stands in front of the open refrigerator, picking bits of food to nosh, while wondering aloud if her personality is as bad as the judges say it is. She is tired of going to the deliberations and getting the negative review that she’s dry and too serious. Meanwhile, Ambreal is on the phone with her father, saying she’s not doing as well as she could. Concurrently, Heather and Bianca are out on the roof deck; Bianca listens to Heather complain that she had no idea she did so many profile shots and try to figure out how to overcome this problem. Bianca tells her to practice and not do any profile shots. Bianca doesn’t want to go beyond that, because this still is a competition, and I can’t blame her. I like Heather, but if the girl can’t figure out that doing no profile shots equals not getting any profile shots, she’s beyond hope.

Back in the house, there’s a knock at the door and Courtney Love Jenah scampers off to open it. (Seriously, that bleached blonde look is awful when she’s not fully styled.) She opens the door and find *drum roll* none other than Tyson Beckford, model-slash-actor. Despite being a “slash”, he doesn’t have his own chatfest, so he’s clearly not in Tyra’s league and can be her stand-in minion on the first challenge. Jenah brings Tyson in the house and is barely able to breathe, he’s so hot. She calls in all the girls and tells them to hurry, and once they see Tyson, it’s an all out gasp-a-thon. The guy is hot, but if they’re going to be models, they’re going to have to learn to deal with hot guys all the time.

Once the girls are assembled in the living room, Tyson tells them that he’s there to teach them how to be a spokesmodel. Where the hell is Ed McMahon? He is the granddaddy of picking spokesmodels and could teach them a thing or two about not flinching while getting their asses grabbed on camera. Tyson really overstates things and tells the girls they have to learn to use their looks to better the world. I miss Victoria at this point, because you know the girl would have some kind of snarky remark about that comment.

He makes them all grab something from the kitchen and then “sell” it to him as the spokesmodel for the item. Apparently this pretend spokesmodel gig is for adverts between soft porn on Cinemax After Dark, because Sarah “sells” a lime Popsicle by sliding it in and out of her mouth and Bianca caresses the spout of a watering can. Then it’s Ebony’s turn and she’s not comfortable at all with the task. She’s picked an electric tea kettle to sell, which she describes as a “water heater-upper.” She tries to sex it up, saying that the water will get nice and hot, but Tyson isn’t feeling it. He tries to get her to sell it, saying the water will be hot and moist, but everyone knows the single most unsexy word in the English language is “moist”. And water isn’t “moist”, it’s wet. Heather then “sells” a wine glass to Tyson’s approval and Ambreal pitches a mango, which Tyson bites. Ambreal kept the mango, and I’d bet it’s now somewhere under glass, preserved for all eternity. Tyson then takes his leave and reminds the girls that winning is a matter of how bad they really want it.

What’s in a name, anyway?

After Tyson leaves, the girls find their next Tyra Mail which talks about supermodels being recognized for their faces as well as their causes. With that, the girls are off to their prize challenge. They arrive at a studio and are greeted once again by Tyson. He is part of the “I Am African” campaign, and the Vice President of the Keep A Child Alive charity that the campaign benefits, Elizabeth Santiso, is there as well. Keep A Child Alive is all about setting up clinics in Africa to help put a stop to the AIDS epidemic in that region. The “I Am African” campaign uses celebrities to draw attention to the cause and raise money. This challenge will break the girls into three teams and give them thirty minutes to study a book of information about the cause to come up with a thirty-second public service announcement.

Sarah, Ebony, and Saleisha are on Team 3; they immediately go through the resource book and get an idea and start writing their ad. Team 2, Ambreal, Heather, and Jenah, are stumped for ideas and are really struggling. On Team 1, made up of Lisa, Chantal, and Bianca, Bianca comes up with an idea and the girls take it and run with it. As the thirty minutes tick by, Team 2 is running out of time to come up with something, while the other two teams practice their ads.

The teams perform their ads for the camera and for Elizabeth. Team 1 takes a play off of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” and has a nice message, but Chantal, and to a greater extent, Bianca, mess up their lines. Team 2 actually pulled together a cohesive ad and employs the old Bob Dylan thing of writing key points on large cards and dropping them on the floor, one with a loud bang. Team 3 was a bit rocky, but did a decent job of saying their lines. Elizabeth critiques the performances; Team 1 did the worst because Bianca screwed up the name of the charity. Team 2 did a good, but simple job, though they could have had more life in their line reading. Team 3’s performance was very nice but they mentioned AIDS prevention, whereas they only really address treatment. She picks Team 2 as the winner. For the win, two of the girls will get huge baskets of products from Carol’s Daughter and one girl, who will be drawn randomly from the three names, will get to do a photoshoot for Carol’s Daughter directed by Mary J. Blige. Heather’s name is picked, and she’s super-excited.

Heather is whisked away at once to do the shoot, which is photographed by Matthew Rolston. Heather gets a bit fan-girly at meeting Mary J. Blige, but they make it through picking wardrobe and makeup without her spazzing out too much. She takes a ton of pictures and tries to get the face-forward shot with Matthew Rolston’s help. After the shoot, Mary J. Blige says Heather can pull off being a top model but could use a little more confidence. At the end of the day, Heather hugs Mary J. Blige, who looks anything but happy about it.

Trapped in a closet…or on a reality tv show.

At the house, the next Tyra Mail arrives which says that some models never wear the same thing twice, but until the girls are top models, they have to recycle. Everyone then leaps to the conclusion that they will be wearing trash in the elimination photoshoot.

The girls then prepare their “healthy” dinner of frozen pizza and chicken tenders and go to eat in the huge closet. They apparently have the palates of stubborn three-year-olds and enjoy slumber parties, because that’s what is going on in the closet. Well, they say that it’s warmer in there than anywhere else in the house, but logic would dictate that they perhaps adjust the thermostat to warm things up. Then again, Jay Manuel is always chastising them for “over-thinking” so maybe this includes every aspect of their lives.

In the closet—which R. Kelly will undoubtedly exploit for another 356 chapters of his “song”—Ebony confesses that she wants to go home and does not think modeling is for her. She ought to just quit right there so we don’t have to hear her belly-aching anymore, but we’re not so lucky. Bianca then regales the girls with tales of practicing her “open but squinting” eyes. Oh, yeah, it was really deep conversation…so deep I might drown. The party breaks up and the girls head to bed, when Heather comes back in. Saleisha hits her up for any Carol’s Daughter products she doesn’t want, and Bianca says in a private interview that Heather is her biggest competition because, bafflingly, Heather doesn’t have to do anything to look good on film.

Something old, something used, something discarded, nothing blue, except maybe Jay’s hair.

Finally it is time for the recycling photoshoot. Jay Manuel is, of course, directing the shoot; he turns up with his usually goofy hair. (Seriously, what color is that hair? Putty? Muddy blue? Tyra needs to make him over next.) Jay says the girls are going to do a high fashion shoot about recycling. Each girl will represent a different recyclable material and Fredric Reshew will snap the pics. Oh, how terribly inventive, Jay. Get Anna Wintour on the phone now so I can hear her laugh at your sorry ass.

Heather is up first; she’s still nervous about doing too many profile shots, but she does a good job as “aluminum cans.” Chantal portrays shredded paper and has a fun time with the wind machine and loads of shredded paper around. Sarah is “garbage bags” in a garbage bag dress with a prom-like garbage bag backdrop. I can’t fault Sarah, but this is the single worst backdrop of the night and the idea of a dress made from a garbage bag is the very same tired and obvious idea that got Daniel Franco eliminated in the very first challenge on the first season of Project Runway.

Saleisha is up next portraying “car parts” in a tight little outfit that screams “garage calendar.” She accidentally knocks some of the set down, though I’d like to think it was an intentional comment on the cheesiness of the set-up. Ebony comes out next decked out in bubble wrap, which, again, ain’t all that far off the sad concept of a garbage bag dress Jay comments that Ebony can’t find any happiness in the shoot, looks trampish, and is not up to the level she was last week. In contrast, Jenah comes out and takes his direction really well, which he, of course, likes.

Next, Bianca is going to do “oil,” so they slather her down in oil and she goes to town with the “smiling with the eyes” look. Jay loves it, but it just seems like a regular Tyra impersonation to me. Then again, that’s probably a good tactic with the Queen of Narcissism. Lisa then does a good job with plastic bottles; Jay likes her use of limbs. Finally, Ambreal portrays “newspaper,” which Jay says is the easiest of all to do, but finds Ambreal has forgotten how to model.

Wigging out.

Everyone knows this part by heart, even the girls. The next Tyra Mail arrives announcing that one girl will leave the next day. Surely there is 20 seconds of a cat fight or something that can be used instead of the same damn message every week. Heather once again says she hates eliminations, Ambreal prays she got a good shot and won’t be eliminated, and Ebony just wants to go home. Someone hand her the big girl panties so she can just quit and get.off.my.television!

The next day, the girls gather before Tyra, dressed as a severe member of the secretarial pool from Nine To Five, and the other judges. Miss J is sporting a huge Afro wig, while Nigel is rocking a smaller one, which he gives up in short order. Tyson is back, as hot as ever, and Twiggy continues to try to remain relevant at the end of the dais. After Tyra recites the prizes, the girls are called up for their reviews.

Nigel thinks Saleisha’s shot is the second best of the group and Tyra comments that she really extended her neck in the shot, which, of course, equals high fashion. I suppose I’ll see giraffes from now on at Paris Fashion Week. Jenah’s shots are universally loved, while Ambreal brought nothing to the table but dead eyes and difficulty for Jay. Nigel thought Lisa’s body language was too much like a pin-up girl and Tyra thought the risks Lisa took were too obvious. Miss J thought Bianca’s arm was too stiff but Nigel found her face to be stunning. She tells the panel she was working on her eye look, and Tyra is impressed.

Sarah is up next, and Twiggy says the photograph is a very good fashion shot. Nigel asks Sarah if she’s lost weight, which Sarah denies, but the judges are clearly suspicious. Twiggy does not like Ebony’s shot; Ebony’s lips are curled into a snarl and she faces Jay’s criticism that she was uninspiring at the shoot and cannot deal with authority figures. I grab my sides from laughing so hard that Jay fancies himself an authority figure. Perhaps he is on really awful hair color and derivative photoshoot ideas, but that’s about it. Nigel and Tyra both like Chantal’s wind-blown shot, but Tyson doesn’t like the fact that half her face was obscured. That seems like the photo-chooser’s fault, because not every one of the fifty shots had her half way to Cousin Itt. Finally, Heather’s face-forward shot is loved by the entire panel.

The girls are sent away and the judges begin their deliberation. Nigel sees Saleish as improving. Twiggy loves Jenah’s bone structure. Miss J wants to ship Ebony out. Nigel wishes Sarah would keep her plus size. Miss J thinks Bianca is coming along. Lisa’s shots are derided as Modeling 101, while Heather’s is one of the best in the bunch. They think Ambreal is a nice girl and Tyson still has problems with Chantal and the wind machine.

The girls are called back in before the judges. Tyra calls out Saleisha, Jenah, Heather, Bianca, Sarah, Chantal, and Lisa, leaving Ebony and Ambreal in the bottom two. Tyra tells them that they are in the bottom because Jay had the most difficulty with them at the photoshoot. She then tells Ebony that she has the most potential and hands her the photograph.

But wait!!!! In the most predictable moment of the season cycle, Ebony refuses the picture and declares she doesn’t want to be there. She says she’s concluded that modeling is not for her. Tyra snaps back that dealing with authority figures isn’t for Ebony, not modeling, and that a quitter is the ugliest person around. Perhaps had Tyra not publicly humiliated and mocked Ebony in the last challenge but instead offered constructive criticism, not irrelevant, ad hominem attacks on her pictures, Ebony wouldn’t have felt the need to leave where she wasn’t welcome. As Ebony leaves, Tyra grants Ambreal a free pass to stay another week to prove to the judges she should be there.

Ebony returns to the house and packs up her belongings. She is very teary and says she really misses her father and her sisters. She doesn’t see the point in doing something that makes her unhappy and modeling was making her unhappy. That is possibly the single smartest thing to come out of her mouth, so let’s hope she follows her bliss…as long as it doesn’t involve wearing a trash bag, bubble wrap, or any other refuse. Not to be outdone by a lovely sentiment, the editing bastards tack on Ebony’s audition tape where she practically begged to be on the show. Give the girl a break, ya morons–you got your ratings booster out of her drama.